A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
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convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”