I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
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I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.