Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
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Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Seems legit
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter