If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
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I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
getting old is fun
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Ain’t no way
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!