I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
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never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?