Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
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[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”