My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
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FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
What an awful time to have common sense.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.