I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
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20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.