I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
You Might Also Like
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I have a new favorite meme page
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?