When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
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What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
The game has officially changed 😎
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
#Caturday