*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
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the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.