Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
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My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Finally
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.