Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
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Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
LA today:
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
The Wolf of Wall Street.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.