Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
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How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.