I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
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The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
They got a point!
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
I got soap in my shower beer again.