me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
You Might Also Like
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
But that’s none of my business
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
This is so me 😂😂
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.