[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
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20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
🤣🤣💀
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
British websites use biscuits.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine