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jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
s
oc
i
a
l
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.