Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
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I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
mood
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.