Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
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Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late