When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
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{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep