Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
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If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
at ease…shoulder.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Every time my phone rings
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.