We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
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I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar