No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
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You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
These dogs look like they have good credit.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”