I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
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A roof is a house hat.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Chicago sounds lovely.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.