I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
You Might Also Like
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?