I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
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My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.