petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
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When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Two types of dogs.