*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
You Might Also Like
Ken is short for chicken
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.