As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
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The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
*jazz hands*
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
seems like a niche market
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.