If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
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Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
*praying for world peace*
God:
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’