My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
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My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime