I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
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I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.