My neck my back my allergy attack
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My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
If you breakdance you buy dance.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.