Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
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Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Every. Damn. Time.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace