Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
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Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good