ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
You Might Also Like
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
You know…for fall…
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye