Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
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To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.