satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
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[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Friday
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.