I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
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cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.