Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
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I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
A classic…
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Do not levitate over flowers
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.