On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
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Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Spring cleaning checklist…
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War