The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
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You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
But is it really??
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?