Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
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Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
fourth time’s the charm
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height