I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
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“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Rooting for the overdog
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.