People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
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Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Good morning.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
United Steaks of America
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles