Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
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Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
*checks Timeline*…
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
good for her
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.