Me too 😆
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When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.