By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
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Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like