Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
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I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Match dot com, but for socks.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Put a ring on it
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Its a hippotatomus
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.